Fear and Loathing in Ginger Town/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KAMI: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to Android 17 inside the van waiting for his sister, who's inside a clothing store) ANDROID 18: (wearing a western-styled outfit and looking at a mirror) This is... the best... you've got? STORE OWNER: That is our top-of-the-line! How do you like it? ANDROID 18: "Like" is a strong word. So is "tolerate". "Hate's" actually lookin' a little weak right now. STORE OWNER: Oh, but darlin', you look like the most beautiful rose in a rose garden! I'm sure if I came home with you, my daddy might even love me again! ANDROID 18: And that is my cue to leave. Later, cowboy. (begins to walk out of the store) STORE OWNER: Uh, sweetheart, you gotta pay for those... (stutters as Android 18 leaves the store) Cash or credit! (runs up to the van as Android 18 gets inside) The register's on the inside! You are getting into your car! You are drivin' away! (the androids drive away) And I have been robbed... You blonde bimbo, you get back here this instant! (the van stops and then begins to reverse back in the store keeper's direction) STORE OWNER: (while running back inside) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! SEQUENCE (cut to Trunks and Gohan flying towards the mystery time machine) TRUNKS: All right, we should be getting close to the site. GOHAN: Um, Mr. Trunks? TRUNKS: What's up? GOHAN: If you don't mind me asking... you know me in the future, right? TRUNKS: Yeah. Actually, you were my mentor. GOHAN: Oh, wow! What is adult me like? TRUNKS: Well, I suppose you take a lot after your father... GOHAN: (not really happy about that comment) In what regard? TRUNKS: You're the strongest, bravest warrior on the planet. GOHAN: ''(relieved) Okay, good. By the way, why do you keep staring at my arm? '''TRUNKS:' Oh, uh... Hey, what's that? (notices a mossed up time machine) GOHAN: Oh! (they land near the mysterious time machine) TRUNKS: Well, this definitely looks my time machine... but it also looks like it's been here for ages. GOHAN: Ooh, a mystery! I never get to solve mysteries! Like Sherlock Holmes or Batman! Usually we're just busy fighting people. Like Bruce Lee... or Batman. (Bulma shows up in a plane) BULMA: Hey! GOHAN: Oh, look, your mom's here! TRUNKS: Oh, good... (Bulma lands her plane near both of them and gets out) BULMA: Hey there, Gohan! And... son... TRUNKS: Mother... (awkward pause between the two) BULMA: So, is that your time machine? TRUNKS: Well, it looks like mine, but it can't be mine! (takes out a capsule and throws it near the mysterious time machine, which transforms into his own time machine) This one here is the one I used to travel back in time with. If you'll notice, it has the word "Hope!!" written on the side. (starts removing the moss of the side of the mysterious time machine) So, unless this one has it written in the same place, we... (sees the word "Hope!!" written on the mystery machine) Oh... Crapbaskets. GOHAN: Oh! You say that, too. BULMA: Wait... Why "hope!!"? TRUNKS: Because you called me our last hope. BULMA: Holy crap, that's so cheesy! What, do I have, like, a ton of cats, too? GOHAN: Hey, anyone else notice the hole on the top? BULMA: Huh... weird. Do you think whoever was piloting it was attacked? (Gohan and Trunks hover above the hole on the time machine) GOHAN: Actually, I don't think so. Considering the curvature of the melted glass, combined with the lack of any glass or damage in the cockpit, we're safe to assume... whatever shot the canopy came from the inside! TRUNKS: And what does that tell us? GOHAN: Um., that the blast came from the inside...? TRUNKS: Here. (opens the glass canopy and jumps inside) Huh. (finds two pieces of a purple shell) So, any idea what these are? GOHAN: Ah, I think I kicked an alien that looked like that once! BULMA: Hey, let me get a look at it! I wanna help, too! (Gohan gives her the purple shell) As the daughter of the world's leading class scientist with doctorates in both bioengineering and evolutionary biology, I can only deduce...that this is a mutant coconut. Either that or an egg. GOHAN: An egg!? *gasps* I know! Trunks! Whatever made that hole hatched from this egg! You keep examining the time machine, I'm gonna go search for clues! (runs off off-screen) TRUNKS: Well, at least one of us is having fun with this... (sees his mother playing with the purple shell) Two of us... (Bulma closes the purple shell again, making a sound from Pac-Man) (cut to Kame House where Krillin is finishing relaying his story to a new audience) KRILLIN: ...and then they flew off! God only knows where they are now! Thanks for letting us keep Goku here, by the way. MASTER ROSHI: Yeah, that's nice... So there's a hot one now? KRILLIN: Oh, yeah, like you wouldn't believe! Her eyes are this beautiful, piercing blue, her confidence is stunning, and she does this adorable little thing with her hair where she brushes it out of the way-- MASTER ROSHI: Fantastic, how's the rack? TURTLE: (from up the stairs in another room) Uh, Master Roshi? Goku's sweating purple. Is that normal? MASTER ROSHI: Did he eat grapes? TURTLE: I... don't know? MASTER ROSHI: That boy can't handle his grapes. (to Krillin) Speaking of fruit, what are we talkin' here? Apples, oranges, melons? KRILLIN: Is that really important? MASTER ROSHI: YES! (cut to Gohan humming to himself as he continues "searching for clues") GOHAN: Oh, hello. And what are you? Hey, Trunks! I think I found a clue! Either that or a record-setting cicada... I'm okay with both, actually. (Trunks is seen running up to Gohan) (Trunks and Bulma both scream at the sight of a hideous cocoon of a monster) BULMA: Oh, my God! Is that thing alive!? GOHAN: No, pretty sure that this is just a mold. BULMA: Something crawled out of that? GOHAN: Hey, if you guys don't want it, mind if I take it home with me? TRUNKS: (thinking while reaching his hand inside the cocoon) Whatever was in here might just be the creature that came out of that she--'' ''(touches something and takes his hand out to sees it oozing with a purple fluid) (out loud) Oh... Oh, no... Oh, really wish I hadn't...! GOHAN: Considering how fresh this mold is, it's likely that whatever shed its skin did so very recently, meaning that it might very well still be here! TRUNKS: ' ''(in the background during Gohan's dialogue) Oh, it's all over my hands! Oh God, it's sticky! And now it's starting to harden! Oh, no! '''BULMA: (panicked and speaking quickly while hopping into her plane) Trunks, it was good to see you again! And Gohan, say hello to your mother. I'll call you later, okay? Bye! (takes off) TRUNKS: Long shot, but you wouldn't happen to carry hand sanitizer on you, would you? GOHAN: D-do you not? (cut to Bulma flying away in her plane) BULMA: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew... (sees an incoming call from Kame House) Ew. (over the speaker as the scene shifts to Krillin at Kame House) What? KRILLIN: So you guys are by Ginger Town, right? BULMA: We were... Why? KRILLIN: 'Cause there is some major shit going on down there. BULMA: Shit of what variety, exactly? KRILLIN: The not-good kind. (on the television set) FLASH: This is Flash Stormwood reporting live for CQTV here on location in Ginger Town. HAL: Well, thank you, Flash. What's the situation down there? FLASH: Mass, unadulterated panic, Hal. Just moments ago, screams erupted throughout the streets, only to be followed by deafening silence. Now there seems to be nothing left but a ghost town, littered with the clothes of its former inhabitants. We have yet to find out the reason why. HAL: Do you have any speculations, Flash? FLASH: Well, Hal, I cannot say for certain... However, recreational marijuana use was recently legalized in the region. So I believe we can all come to the same conclusion... Just a moment, someone is approaching! (a silhouetted figure starts approaching him) Excuse me, you terrifying-looking gentleman, what are your opinions on the legalization of-- OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOO!!! (static is seen on the TV and then shows the empty clothes of the floor) KRILLIN: Wow... Someone should probably go check that out. MASTER ROSHI: Yeah, my stash is runnin' a little low. (starts laughing but soon begins to wheeze) (Gohan and Trunks appear at the front door) GOHAN: Hey, guys, we're back! (sniffs inside) What's that smell? Is there a skunk in here? KRILLIN: Oh, hey, Gohan. You like mysteries? GOHAN: (eyes are seen sparkling) Do I?! (cut to Piccolo, Kami, and Popo all on the lookout) PICCOLO: Hmm? Okay, so you felt that one, right? KAMI: I did... PICCOLO: And you're still just going to put this off? KAMI: I might... PICCOLO: All right, I've had enough of this. I have literally been sitting here meditating... NAIL: (Dozing.) PICCOLO: ...meditating for the last-- Uh... MR. POPO: Three hours! PICCOLO: Thank you, Mr. Popo. Three hours! So either shit or get in my body. NAIL: (I...) PICCOLO: No! KAMI: Listen, I still need to feel the situation out. PICCOLO: What the hell is there left to feel out? Between your cryptic warnings and jerking me around, I'm pretty sure an entire city is either missing or DEAD! You're the guardian-- start acting like it! KAMI: Yes, I am the guardian--- the guardian of this planet! And you wish to take that title from me? PICCOLO: Are you kidding me? This can't be about the job! The first chance you had to drop this gig, you tried to hand it off to Goku! GOKU! He doesn't even look after his own kid! I look after his kid more than he does! KAMI: But it's still my job! My responsibility! PICCOLO: And that's really good and all... but if you don't fuse with me, the entire world you're guarding might be destroyed! KAMI: MAYBE I'D RATHER IT BE DESTROYED THAN EVER HAVE BE A PART OF YOU AGAIN! (short silence) NAIL: (Mom? Dad? Please stop fighting.) PICCOLO: So that's what this is all about, huh? KAMI: No, no, that's not what I-- PICCOLO: No, no, it's fine. I was kind of a dick; I get that. KAMI: Listen, Piccolo... I've been the guardian for over three hundred years. I've seen wars, sickness, death, and worse. All the while trapped on this lookout...unable to interact with the outside world for more than moments at a time. Now, the only chance I have left is giving up my free will to someone else. It's just another prison... PICCOLO: Wow, I...I didn't-- KAMI: It's fine... I'm done, anyway. You're right. If I don't do this now, we are likely to lose everything. But know this Piccolo: once I fuse with you, the DragonBalls will be no more. PICCOLO: Ah, that's not a problem, we've got a whole planet of our people just waiting to make us more. KAMI: What do you mean, "our people"? PICCOLO: Stop being a smartass and let's just do this already. KAMI: Well, then, Mr. Popo... I suppose this is goodbye. It's been...a trip. MR. POPO: (starts laughing) YES! KAMI: Well? I'm sure you're already familiar with the technique. PICCOLO: Right. (places his hand on Kami's chest) KAMI: All right, now... Lower. PICCOLO: Yeah, not falling for that. KAMI:: Hmph. I didn't think so. (Kami powers up and proceeds to merge with Piccolo) MR. POPO: Oh, my God! I'm coming doooooooooown! (the light clears up on the lookout) Ooh, that was crazy! So, did you actually eat Kami, or was that the acid? PICCOLO: (thinking) So this is who we were, huh? (hear nothing) Hello? Got real quiet... Holy crap, are they finally--'' ''(hears Nail snickering inside his head) (out loud) Ugh, Of course not... NAIL: (Isn't this the part where you chant to yourself?) PICCOLO: Shut up. KAMI: (Come now. We should do whatever feels right.) PICCOLO: Oh, please, no... NAIL & KAMI: (You can win! You feel great! You can do this!) (Piccolo groans as he flies off the lookout) KORIN: (from inside his tower) Hey, Piccolo, could you pick up Yajirobe? He doesn't have a car.... (Piccolo flies right past him) ...crap! Well, I know someone who's not getting invited to Sunday brunch. Oh, who am I kidding? We like him. (cut back to the lookout where Mr. Popo is looking down into the sky after Piccolo's departure) MR. POPO: Well, only one thing to do... (picks up Kami's staff) (shows an outside shot of the lookout as it starts bouncing up and down to the beat of "Turn Down For What" while fireworks go off in the background) (cut to Kame House as the others are still watching the news) BRUSH: Now, now, now, now. Now the Libs are surely gonna shout racism over this one, but this is just what happens when you elect a dog as king! GOHAN: So you think this is whatever came from that egg, Trunks? TRUNKS: Definitely. This isn't the work of the androids, that's for sure. KRILLIN: Not unless they're starting the world's first mandatory nudist colony. TRUNKS: I'm going to go down there and check it out myself. I'll admit, after everything that's happened, I'm a little bit worried I'm responsible for these events... YAMCHA: Wait, are you sure you should go alone? TRUNKS: The only other person strong enough to help us right now would be my father. And even if I knew where he was--which I don't--I'm not sure he would help us... (cut to Vegeta in an area filled with mountains) VEGETA: No. You see, I didn't f**k up. I just underestimated her! I went in a little too overconfident. But of course I was a little overconfident! I mean, have you ever met me? I'm me! I'm a big deal! And you know who's really at fault here? The boy. (impersonates Trunks' voice) "Oh, the future is sooooo bad!" (normal voice) Well, maybe it wouldn't be if you weren't such a pansy-ass! (powers up) Now once I get back in the game, and destroy those metal brats... (cut to Ginger Town) ...there will be nothing left to get in my way. (Piccolo is seen arriving at Ginger Town and sees several the clothes ling on the ground) NAIL: (*sniggers* Well, this is classic. The moment God disappears, suddenly the rapture happens.) KAMI: (Yes, the irony is not lost on me.) PICCOLO: (thinking) Could you guys stop talking for a minute? NAIL: (Oh yeah, don't wanna distract you. Might get hit by one of these abandoned cars...) KAMI: (I've always wanted to drive a car, but by the time they were invented, eyes weren't so good for it anymore. (a singing voice is heard faintly in the background) Piccolo, you've driven a car, right? How was it?) PICCOLO: (hears the voice) Wait, seriously, shut up. What is that? ???:'' (singing "Mr. Sandman" by The Chordettes)'' ♪Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum♪ ♪Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum♪ ♪Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream♪ ♪Make him the cutest that I've ever seen♪ ♪Give him two lips, like roses and clover♪ ♪Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over♪ (a monstrous creature confronts Piccolo while holding an innocent, unconscious man by his shirt) CREATURE: (speaking in a slithery, snake-like voice) Hello... friend. (scene ends with the creature exhaling creepily)